That One Kid's Thoughts

:: The Fun Side of Facebook Causes ::

2010-12-05T15:08:00.000-08:00

Music: Skrillex - With You, Friends

Mood: Relaxed

-------

I haven’t written a blog in a while – mainly because I haven’t felt inspired to write, nor have I felt pressed to really write about anything in particular. I figure, if I’m not writing anything worthwhile (or that I’m at least passionate about), why would any one take their time to read it?

But, after the latest “social cause” to hit Facebook – and the surprising backlash I received when I called it “silly” – I wrote most of this post as a comment to a very lengthy, and quite amusing, discussion that started on my wall. Realizing a comment shouldn’t be two pages long, I knew I had the topic to resuscitate my idle blog.

I’m not sure what I’m more surprised at – The negative feedback I received from genuine friends (both in comments and phone calls/text) or how much the entire thing was taken out of context.

I don’t know if people took offense because they thought I was making fun of them, or if they’re just really passionate about changing their profile pictures. But really, my frustration with these Facebook events/chains/causes/whatever is based more on what they actual represent – which is the ability to be involved in something, without actually being involved in it.

It’s actually been given a name: Slacktivism.

To borrow a quick definition: “The word is considered a pejorative term that describes "feel-good" measures, in support of an issue or social cause, that have little or no practical effect other than to make the person doing it feel satisfaction. The acts also tend to dilute awareness campaigns and require minimal personal effort from the slacktivist.”

That really sums up why I got annoyed with the whole thing in the first place. The "movement" started off as a game, not an actual cause. It’s been going around Facebook – obviously on a smaller scale – since early November as a game to flood people with memories of childhood. Some person just randomly decided to add "this is to bring awareness to child abuse"... Instantly creating our newest Facebook “cause”.

So it's not like this is a real movement lead by an active organization that is calling people to look for the signs of abuse, or help kids who have been abused heal and have mentors or even actually do anything other than change a picture. It's just a chain letter that arbitrarily got turned into a "cause". Like every other Facebook event/cause/movement that all of us are seeing our friend’s list post on a weekly/monthly basis.

In all the power that Facebook has to offer to help make a difference in the world by having access to millions of people, this is just another chain letter with a warm fuzzy center so people feel good. Next month there will be another new "campaign" that people will "get behind" by posting a status or changing their picture or who knows what.

But ultimately, these campaigns are nothing like a real marketing campaign or political/social cause because it offers no solutions, advice, guidance or support for those who want to make a difference. You would never post an online ad for a product with out including a link so viewers of the ad (who are now "aware" of your product) can purchase that product. Likewise, you would never run an ad during the Superbowl for your new product with out giving it's name, website, or where people can buy/get/use/find your product. That is a complete waste of a potential customer/activist. Awareness means nothing if people can't/won't/don't do anything with it.

Imagine if this "campaign" had said something like,

"December is child abuse awareness month. We're inviting EVERYONE to go to their local shelter on every Saturday this month and volunteer to work with children for a few hours."

Do you REALLY think the same number of people who changed their picture would sacrifice their Saturday? Doubtful.

And that is why most of them frustrate me and I don’t join in. It’s not that I’m too cool for it or anything even remotely close to that. Rather, I feel like a hypocrite by doing so because I know I’m not going to actually do anything beyond reposting the status/update… and I don’t think I’m alone in that. Where’s the power in a Facebook update if you could instead go out and do something?

During Sisters/Brothers/Fathers/Mothers/Kids/Grandparents/Pets/Spouse Month, why not just do something nice for that person offline instead of posting a status? Obviously, people won’t know how sweet you are, but I’m sure Grandma would love an unexpected call to say hello… much more than your friends probably appreciate your post about her.

I guess my whole point is really these "movements" on Facebook actually, in my opinion, do more harm for REAL movements than they do help because people become desensitized to what it actually means to be involved. If every other week there is a new "movement" eventually people will either stop listening completely, or they'll play along but with out actually doing anything... or in this case, even knowing WHAT they're involved in.

When we, as a generation, have access to millions of people via social media - why are we choosing things like this to "get behind" when, if we truly cared about whatever it is we're promoting, we could use that same power to ACTUALLY do something? To actually create a movement with actions instead of updates? And by all means, I'm as guilty of this as anyone - which is the exact reason why I still have yet to change my picture.

To me that would be like changing my profile picture to a picture of my family's Thanksgiving feast to help bring awareness to the fact that millions of people are starving to death every year... There’s something not right about that picture. But what do I know? Maybe I’ll start a “Help Nico Understand Facebook Causes… Cause”.

I expect to see everyone’s profile picture changed to their favorite fruit by the end of the week to help raise awareness of this important movement.

:: The Arrival of Miss Lily ::

2010-08-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

This was the blog post that Abbie wrote about the entire labor and delivery of our little girl. I thought it was well written and tells the story of how hard Abbie worked to bring this little angel into the world; so I wanted to share it with others since she keeps our family blog private. Enjoy.

It all started at 2 am on Thursday Aug 5th. Nico and I were up late and I couldn't fall asleep because my braxton hicks had started turning into full on contractions. They weren't painful but annoying enough to keep me awake all night. (Night ONE of no sleep) Hours later, around 7 or 8am, I woke up Nico, telling him I hadn't slept and that I was having REAL contractions. We decided to start timing them at 9am and found they were consistently 3-5 min apart. We were so excited, it was the 5th, the day we all thought she would be born!! It was only 10 am... we had all day to have this baby, right?

My sister, Jamie, was my doula (labor companion/coach). She stayed by my side for 23 of the 35 hours I was in labor. Without her, I don't think I would have made it as far as I did! She knew so many little tricks to help me through contractions. I was feeling pretty stinking good between surges, my hypno-birthing was really doing the trick and I felt good about the laboring process.

Duke and Gus were very concerned about me, they had to know something was going on.

Steadily my contractions were getting more intense, not necessarily closer together, but we felt there was some progression, so we called Timpanogos Hospital to see if the room with the tub was available. It was, so we packed up and left!

Feeling optimistic!

This had to be it! I was shaking uncontrollably and my contractions were intensifying which was supposed to be a sign to get to the hospital, (so said one of the midwives on call). When we got to the hospital the nursed checked and found I was only 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced! WHAT? That was not far enough along to warrant staying.

Walking around, trying to make some progress so they wouldn't make me leave.

After walking around for an hour I was checked again..no progress. They sent me home with 2 percocets to take the edge off. So we stopped and got some food before heading home (whats better for contractions and moral like Wendy's)? After dinner, hoping for some good rest that night, we all went to sleep (Jamie on the couch, Nico's mom in the guest room and us in our bed) I had no such luck with any sleep. The contractions were just too bad. (Night TWO no sleep)

After a couple hours of being in bed, NOT sleeping, I decided to get in my tub at home to try and ease the discomfort. I still wouldn't consider the contractions PAINFUL...just really, really uncomfortable. I didn't wake Nico up at this point because I knew he would need to be fully awake and coherent when we went back to the hospital. Jamie found me in the tub about an hour later with tears in my eyes because I felt like I was loosing control of my relaxation techniques..duh, crying isn't one of them. Jamie and I labored for a few hours, trying all types of methods to help me stay relaxed, focused and comfortable. I sat on the birthing ball out on my patio for a while watching the stars, we went for a 2 am stroll down my street a few times and sat in the rocking chair in the nursery..all the while the contractions were getting stronger and stronger.

We decided to go back to the hospital at 5am because I was getting really nauseous, shaking, and not able to eat anything. When we got back I was 5cm and 95% effaced! SUCCESS!! We were checked in and ready for what we thought would be a fairly quick delivery. At this point I had been laboring for 27 hours.

6 hours later, my midwife, who by the way we absolutely loved, discovered the reason why I was not dilating quickly enough, Lily was posterior. Her forehead was pressing on my cervix and not the hard back part of her head. At this point I was 7 cm dilated and totally exhausted. I was feeling a little defeated. I was given a type of medicine that didn't effect my body, but it allowed my brain to relax. The medicine was in and out of my system in 30 min. After this medicine wore off, I had progressed to an 8. Direct quote from me: "I'm done, I put in my hours!" (Had been laboring 34.5 hours) I was completely ready to get an epidural. At this point, I had thrown all my hypno-birthing methods out the window and just had to bare the extreme discomfort and fatigue. We called the anesthesiologist the room and within the 10 min he took to explain the risks, blah blah blah, I couldn't focus on him anyway, I felt the strongest urge to push. Quickly my midwife checked me and I was a 10! Before the dr. even left the room, I was full on pushing! That would have been a big, EXPENSIVE mistake to have the epidural because 1. It wouldn't have worked in time and 2. It would have cost $1500 bucks to be stuck by a huge needle for no reason.

After 35 hours of labor, 3 days of no sleep, and 8 minutes of pushing, Liliana Rose Pesci was born at 12:57pm weighing 6lbs 15 oz and 19 inches long! No one could have guessed she would be UNDER 7lbs! Nico and I thought all along that we would have a big baby considering the fact that I was 8.6 and he was 10lbs at birth.

After he saw his daughter for the first time..this picture makes me cry.

I was able to share this birth with Nico, Jamie, Emily, Mom, and Nico's mom. They witnessed the struggle and success of the labor and birth! They were all incredible supporters and I couldn't have done it without all of them! Nico was by my side the entire time and encouraged me constantly and lovingly. He was the PERFECT example of how every husband should be during labor!

This was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My body and brain far surpassed any limits I thought I had. I was an amazing experience being able to feel all parts of labor and I am extremely glad I prepared by using Hypno-Birthing. But if you asked me today if I would do it again with all the same factors in place, I'd probably say "Don't ask!"

We have a perfect, healthy little girl and we are so grateful for her. As of today, she is a week old, sleeping well and eating well. We couldn't ask for a more precious, perfect baby.

:: My First Father's Day ::

2010-06-20T00:12:00.001-07:00

As Abbie and I were out to dinner last night I noticed a family sitting kiddie-corner to me. There was nothing unique about them; no distinguishable features that would make you notice them more than any other family. Just a typical family of five - mom, dad, two boys and one girl.

The only thing that was different was the sudden realization that in 10+ years, that will be us... and it's something I can't even fathom. Not even in the slightest. Me? Abbie? A family of five? Or maybe even more...? Who knows what the next ten years holds. But it got me thinking... even though she's not here yet, we're on that path - no matter how odd the idea is of ever having multiple kids, it's a path we've started on.

All things considered, today is technically my first fathers day. Although I can't see her or hold her, I've got this amazing little daughter just waiting to come say hello to us and officially make us a family. To make me a dad.

It still hits me at random times - how much life has changed (in so many amazing ways) and how much it will continue to change. And then finally, how quickly time has, and will, fly by. I walked into my house the other day and I had to stop and think to myself, when did I grow up? How do I suddenly have a wife, a house, two cars, two dogs and a baby coming in August? It seems so surreal to me - like I blinked and when I opened my eyes, this is how life has always been. When did I suddenly become an adult? Or even more so, when did I suddenly make this shift from a single guy with no responsibilities to the head of a household. A provider. A husband.

A father.

So to my sweet daughter Liliana, who is just patiently waiting to join us - I'm excited to see you. I'm excited to hold you. And I'm excited to finally have you here. I'm excited to be a dad.

I don't wonder what you'll be like; I'm already sure you're the most incredible, smart, beautiful, sweet and fun little girl there is. I promise I will do everything I can to be the most amazing dad you could ask for. I'm sure I'll make mistakes and mess up, but know I'm always trying. And where I fail, I'll learn and get better. I promise to work hard to take care of our family and to teach you all the important things you need to know - and any gaps I miss I'm sure you're mother will be happy to fill in. I promise to always be there, no matter what, whenever you need me; whether you're 2, 12, or 35. I promise to always make sure you know just how much you mean to me and how much you and your mom are my world. And I promise you will always know how much I love you. Those are promises I will never break. Pinky swear, no crossies.

Thank you for making me a dad. Thank you for choosing this family. And thank you for giving me this very special day to realize just how fortunate I am.

I'll see you in six weeks.

:: Should Have Spent My Time a Little Wiser ::

2010-06-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

Music: Circa Survive - Blue Sky Noise
Mood: Curious

I've been thinking a lot lately about the convertibility of discipline - I guess to be more specific, what makes that conversion so amazingly difficult? I could be wrong; it may be the easiest thing in the world to convert. Task to task, hobby to hobby, day to day, discipline to discipline. It very well might be an exchangeable skill that you just slip on - like switching from running shoes to flip-flops. That absolutely could be case... but if so, it's news to me.

I could be alone in this endeavor; this could be an inner frustration that I'm trying to tackle, one person out of six billion, but call me crazy for thinking that's not the case, at least not from what I see on a daily basis, both in people I know and in myself.

In some areas of my life, I'm incredibly disciplined. Take, for example, fitness. For whatever reason, 5 years ago I got tired of being fat and realized I was slowly creeping up towards the 300lb mark, so I just decided to get in shape. I changed my eating habits and got a gym membership and have made it to the gym 3-5 times a week nearly EVERY week ever since. Five years. No questions asked. It's a part of my day. I make time for it like I would any thing else - I am disciplined about it.

But in other areas of my life, well, sometimes I'd be lucky to muster up 1/4 of the discipline I show to staying healthy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't know how to work hard, because that's not the case. What I'm saying though is there seems to be a difference between the ability to work hard at a specific task or job and the ability to take the discipline you "mastered" on one particular part of your life and then convert it to any other part of your life. Hard work and discipline are related, but not the same... kinda like cousins.

I know people in my life who are so unbelievably disciplined at some things, yet are as flaky as it can be on others. I take that back, flaky isn't the word for it. They're just not committed to the cause. For whatever reason, that same discipline that they mastered to accomplish a certain goal, task, or challenge doesn't seem to make the bus for other goals, tasks, or challenges. But why? They obviously know how to work hard. They obviously know how to get things done and show the time, effort, dedication and discipline to accomplish great things - or, I suppose, some great things. So why can't they just convert it to any other cause they're after? It should be that easy, right?

But is that really the case? Is it really that simple? Maybe the way I was looking at it; that discipline is like some running shoe that can slipped on and off at will, as long as the person wearing it has the same size foot... Well, maybe that's not the case at all. That would assume that it doesn't matter what the situation/need is; one size should fit all. But we all know life is never that simple.

A running shoe could be the best shoe you have... for running. But that doesn't mean it's the best shoe to match your three piece suit, or to wear snorkeling. Just because it fits on your fit and might have the same function as other shoes - at least on a basic level of protecting your feet - doesn't mean it's the same thing. Like I said, think cousins here.

I guess in some ways I see the idea of discipline as a part of a certain task, hobby or goal. More of a verb than a noun. You learn to develop it, you learn to strengthen it and you learn to really control it for whatever it is you're applying it to. It's what you do with with a certain task, hobby or goal. But that doesn't mean you can just switch it over to any task when needed. I wish it were that easy, but I just haven't seen the evidence to support it. There are traits that make up discipline - traits like hard work, dedication, commitment, passion, drive, etc, but they are individual traits. They aren't a packaged deal, which would explain why it's not as easy as I assume it should be.

Discipline, in anything, takes time to develop because it has to come from a deep desire - one that is truly motivating and driving. And if that's the case, the factors that drive that motivation, which ultimately helps increase the other factors that all build up to discipline, well, those factors are different and unique to each scenario. Obviously, you build off of each success and your belief in yourself to achieve grows, but, in a lot of ways, you have to relearn discipline for each new goal, task, endeavor or challenge.

So if that's the case, maybe I should stop writing and get disciplining... practice makes perfect, right?

:: Here, You Can Be Anything ::

2010-04-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

Music: Jimmy Eat World - Just Watch the Fireworks
Mood: Excited

From an old blog of mine... dated January 25th, 2004. Amazing how well it fits to my life six years later.

"What can you write when it feels as if there isn't a single word or phrase that can describe how you are feeling? As if there is no way to truly convey all of the emotions, ideas and thoughts you are experiencing...

I suppose nothing. You are left with the thoughts in your head, knowing that trying to write them out wouldn't do those feelings any justice. They would only lessen the entire experience. And sometimes, well I guess sometimes that is how it should be.

There's a reason thoughts came before written word... to ensure endless descriptions."

Life. Is. Changing.

And I can't wait.

:: Late Night Thought Process ::

2010-03-25T00:31:00.000-07:00

Mood: Sleepy... question mark?
Music: Saosin - In Search of Solid Ground

It's almost one forty-five in the morning as I start this... Every now and then I get in these moods where I just don't feel like sleeping. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I have work in the morning... for all intents and purposes I should be asleep, but instead, I'm talking to myself through a keyboard and being kept company by music because everyone else is smart enough to know that 1:45am is not a time you should be still be up... Oh well.

As always, there is plenty on my mind, but instead of that being freeing - an invitation for my mind to let loose and allow my fingers to whirl across the keyboard - it seems all those thoughts have created a log jam and all I can keep thinking about is all the reasons I need stop start sleeping more... well done Nico. Well done.

Ok, maybe that's not all I can think about - I'm shocked at how quickly this pregnancy is going... we're past the half way point. There are about four full months before Lily comes to join us. I'm sure those months are going to fly past - between Abbie graduating in April, then our trip to London/Paris in May and everything else planned this summer, I swear it's going to be a matter of blinks before I'm holding my little girl.

Wow.

My little girl... talk about a thought having more power when spoken/written. It still hits me here and there. That kind of, "this is really happening" feeling. It's intense. I'm really excited that she's the one joining us - I like have "my girls". It definitely has started to hit me what that means though. There is a sense of responsibility a father has with his daughters that I think is very different than with his sons. Don't get me wrong, regardless of the gender, there is responsibility. I guess I just feel a greater sense of pressure or responsibility to make sure I get it all right. It's made me rethink and refocus my thoughts, energy and attention in all aspects of my life from how I spend my time, to how I treat others to how hard I work. I wonder if I would have had that same paradigm shift if it was Nico Jr. joining us right now instead of Lily... who knows.

Any way, life is staying very busy and I'm enjoying that. Like I said, the idea of become a dad has changed a lot for me - especially with work. It's made all the stories I hear about families hit a bit closer to home because I can't help but think "what if that was my family, or one of my friends!?".

So, in that sense, I'm loving what I do more and more each day. It's hit a nerve with me and it's something that I am very passionate about, which makes it that much more fun to do. On a daily basis I'm seeing the effects (both positive and negative) of proper planning for families. It's heartbreaking when things go wrong and people - whether out of procrastination or an invincibility complex - never took the time or thought to make sure everything would be ok if there were to pass unexpectedly. It's an awful, awful thing to experience, but it happens more than people realize. On the flip side though, I've also now had the opportunity to hear first hand story after story of things going well, and seeing how differently that made the situation for the family in the event of a death. So in that sense, I'm loving playing that "coach" role for people when it comes to their finances and planning ahead. It's something that people don't really like to think/talk about, but once it's all taken care of - once a plan is in place - it's amazing to see the shift in their mood. I see it all the time - like a huge weight was taken off their shoulders. It's a lot of fun to watch that process and I feel grateful for the opportunity to be involved in it with them. Who knew finances and insurance could be so fun lol, but here I am day after day stoked to get up for work, so I'm happy about that.

I'm still learning though to get comfortable talking to people I know about what I do just because I don't want to be seen as "that guy". It's a delicate balance between knowing that if I really believe in what I'm doing - which I do - and wanting to make sure the people I care about are prepared for anything life throws at them then I need to not be afraid to talk to them about everything, yet still respecting their agency to make their own decisions, while at the same time trying to be an advocate for the benefits of proper planning. Like I said, delicate balance. I hear enough stories on a daily basis that it makes me want to run up to everyone I know and grab them and tell them what they need to do because I would never want to wonder "what if" if something happened and I never took the time to sit down with them. So that's been a big thing for me lately - respecting that line while also trying to help people out and doing my job.

Any way - kind of a tangent there... It's now 2:15. Not sure how that take me a half hour to write? Oh yeah, I'm weird about my writing that way. Again, well done Nico.

There's a lot more I could write about, but I think it really is time to get to sleep... But over all, life is great. I am blessed beyond measure and I realize that on a daily basis.

Now if I could only figure out why I never feel like sleeping anymore...

:: Sacrifices vs. Mastery ::

2010-03-01T15:57:00.000-08:00

Music: HORSE the Band - Arrive
Mood: Curious

I remember someone once told me to become a master at any one thing, you'll inevitably sacrifice your skill level or dedication in another. Honestly, I can't remember who it was. I may have read it. I may have been told it by a friend or professor - really, I don't even recall when I heard it. But it's always stuck with me. And lately, it's been on my brain a lot actually.

The other night I was browsing youtube and watching the following videos of a guitarist I really admire; Andy McKee.

As I sat there watching, I thought to myself, wow... I wish I could play like that. And then it sort of hit me - if I wanted to, I really could. But somewhere along the road I chose to put my time elsewhere.

Let me explain - I really feel I was born with a gift or affinity for music. Since I was very young I have been captivated by the power of a well written song or melody. When I decided to start playing an instrument at 12 years old, it came pretty naturally. I never took formal lessons, never played in a cover band, never sat behind a lesson book. I picked up a bass or a guitar and tried to mimic what I heard or recreate what I saw other great guitarists do (thank you for the guidance Aaron) and dedicated my time and energy for the next seven years to being a rockstar. But, this isn't about me as a musician, or whether or not I REALLY had an innate gift for music. Not at all actually.

Rather, it's me just pondering about what we become verses what we could have been verses what we dedicate our time to. And none of those thoughts with an ounce of regret or disappointment. What natural skills or talents we end up putting on the back burner to focus on other things...

When I sat back and thought about it all, that quote - that mystery quote that I really can't attribute to any time or person - came right to the forefront of my mind. If you truly want to be a master at something, you'll be lacking in other areas. Really, that may or may not be true - but I really believe it. No one is so well rounded that they could truly consider themselves a master of all, or even most things.

In fact, I doubt anyone would have the time necessary to do that. Studies have shown that excellence at a complex task requires a minimum level of practice, and experts have settled on 10,000 hours as the magic number for true expertise. This theory is referenced in the book Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell, a book I mentioned in a previous post, but for a different reason.

In it he explains, "In study after study, of composers, basketball players, fiction writers, ice-skaters, concert pianists, chess players, master criminals, this number comes up again and again. Ten thousand hours is equivalent to roughly three hours a day, or 20 hours a week, of practice over 10 years… No one has yet found a case in which true world-class expertise was accomplished in less time. It seems that it takes the brain this long to assimilate all that it needs to know to achieve true mastery."

I'm sure many would debate this theory, but story after story has shown it to hold up pretty well to most criticism. But again, this post isn't about theories or studies.

What do we give up in order to become who we want to be?

Because no matter what, somewhere, there has to be a trade off. A very successful musician may be a terrible athlete. A fantastic athlete may be a mediocre scholar. A stellar scholar may lack strong social skills - or social experiences. I've seen this dozens of times. In fact, it was this exact concept that made me walk away from music as a career. I remember sitting and talking to Tim Mahoney, the guitarist for 311, at a party in LA and he mentioned to me that over the last two years he hadn't been home for more than two months at a time...

To be a famous (or expert/mastery level) musician, he had sacrificed a home life.

But it's not to say there is a right or wrong choice in all of these situations. To him, that was the best choice - it was him following his passions and living his dreams. I respect the hell out of that. No one should live a passionless life.

It's an interesting concept though - both the time "necessary" to truly become an expert or master at any given skill, trade, sport or business, and the sacrifice in other areas you will inevitably make in order to achieve the level of mastery you desire.

I still wish, at times, that I could play like Andy McKee, or write amazing songs like my good friend Aaron (the song he wrote for his wife has over 140 plays on my ipod... it's incredible), but I also know that I have other desires, and for me at least, those desires require my time to be spent elsewhere... turning my love of music into a hobby, instead of a mastery.

But I suppose what it boils down to is following your passion, but doing so with a sense of raw honesty with yourself about what is important to you - because it's very easy to loose track. I guess that's what they mean when they talk about staying grounded. Any passion or pursuit of mastery can overtake all our time, energy and focus if we don't keep ourselves in check on what means the most to us.

It gets me thinking - especially as it pertains to the balance between my professional life and my home life. I've set some pretty high expectations for myself, some major feats I've set out to conquer - and I plan to conquer them all. But, I hope as my life in both of those arenas continue to get busier and busier, I can stay balanced. I don't want to sacrifice one for the other - in either direction.

Like I said - interesting concept...

:: My iPod Top Ten ::

2010-02-11T23:09:00.000-08:00

A week or so ago a friend of mine posted on her Facebook what her top played song on her iPod/iTunes was… and it got me thinking… man, I wonder what mine are? So I decided to take a looksy at my iPod and look at the top 25 most played tracks. As I looked it over I saw how diverse it was and how many different stories and emotions and memories are associated with those tracks.

So with that in mind, I thought I’d try and do a unique post, focusing on just the top ten by listening to each song (add one more notch to the play count) while writing about it… see what it brings to mind. Each song tells a very different story for me and obviously, each song is very special to me, or clicks with me on a deep level… or else I probably wouldn’t have wracked up so many plays. Keep in mind to even crack the top 25 a song needed over 140 plays.

Any way – if you want to check out any of the songs, copy and paste the Band/Artist and the song Title into Google and you should be able to hear it. Some of the songs are very heavy, some are very mellow. Some are kind of sad, some are kind of angry. It’s an eclectic bunch I tell you.

So, with no further ado…. Here. We. Go.

1. Magnolia by Bury Your Dead. 237 plays.

This has to be one of my absolute most favorite songs – you would hope since it took the number one spot. I’ve always loved the balance between the melodic guitar parts, which almost bring a softer, sadder tone to the very aggressive vocals. I know most people wouldn’t consider the guitars/music a softer feel, but the notes they use have that type of feel (as shown around 1:34).

I don’t know why I instantly fell in love with this song but I still get psyched about hearing it. Part of it is the positive message behind the vocals, part of it is the music and part of it is the memories of my friends and old roommates who first showed me this song. Either way – I still love it and I think this will always be the top song on my iPod.

2. Miss America by Something Corporate. 233 plays.

Listening to this song is like opening a flood gate… so many memories just come flooding back to me…

Summer 2005. I was almost finished with my study abroad trip in London… I was taking the Chunnel to Paris and fell asleep to this album – I woke up just as this song started and it hit me like a ton of bricks. At the time, I was still getting over someone who was very special to me and for whatever reason, this song made me think of her and the lyrics just seemed to fit the occasion. Over the next week in Paris I probably listened to this song two dozen times… I remember sitting across from the Eiffel Tower at night, watching it light up and just listening to it in my headphones. Man… SOOO many memories.

It’s funny though, because it’s kind of a sad song, and some of the memories associated with it are kind of the same, but in a lot of ways, it reminds me a lot of how amazing that summer was. How much it changed my life and about that incredible experience in Europe. A few things will always be synonymous with this song… and even now, almost five years later it still makes me smile.

3. Repeat Forms by Paralax. 213 plays.

Paralax was such an incredible band… I fell in love with them the moment I heard this song. To think that they were “just a local band” blew my mind. I never would have expected it… What’s funny though, is another song on this list (#6) is associated with similar memories as this one, but it brings about a total different feeling, but I’ll get into that later.

When I first started working out Paralax was one of the only bands I would listen to. The speed of the music, the passion in Blake’s voice, the technicality of how they formatted their songs, not to mention how well they played, always impressed me. A second Paralax song is #11 on my list… It’s tragic how this band came to an end, but I suppose I’ll get to that during #6.

4) When Paula Sparks by Copeland. 209 plays.

I was actually surprised this song wasn’t higher on the play count… it’s been a staple since I first got this album, which I think was in 2003? It seemed like no matter who I was dating (or who I was smitten over); this song would make me think of them.

I remember listening to it over and over while in Cape Cod in the summer of 2004, while missing someone in London in 2005, while first meeting someone in the fall of 2006 and while falling head over heals with someone in early 2007…

It just has that feel to it… and the lyrics… I love the story it paints. It’s just such an incredible song. It’s the type of song you listen to late at night and just think. And for me, whenever I was lost in thought like that, I was usually thinking of someone specific lol. But that’s what I love about this song – it still isn’t associated with one person for me. Rather, it’s associated with a really fun and exciting feeling. That giddy, flirty, “I wonder if she’s thinking about me” feeling.

“And I'll be ready on that evening when you're starved for my attention and you'll say… You’ll say, “Wait now Prince, there's a brilliant sky above and a jealous moon in love and they are starved for our attention.”

5) Kill by Jimmy Eat World. 207 plays.

Man, this whole album (Futures) during the fall of 2005 this was all I could listen to. It was one of those albums where I firmly believed every song could relate, to a “T”, with what was going on in my life… especially this song.

At the time, I had just been getting to know someone and kind of casually dating them and then it sort of fell apart and this song just fit the experience so well. But then again, isn’t that what a great song is suppose to do? Isn’t it supposed to transcend its writers and apply to everyone who listens to it? Jimmy Eat World has always been amazing at doing this, but I was blown away by how well this song “matched” my life.

This is still one of my favorite songs by Jimmy Eat World, who is one of my favorite bands. I think musically, lyrically and just in general, this is a beautiful and very well done song.

6) Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. 204 plays.

Jen. If that was all I wrote about this song it would make perfect sense to me because it all boils down to her. I had just heard this song towards the end of the summer in 2005 when my good friend Jen was killed in a very tragic accident. The boy she was dating at the time was also killed – he was the singer for Paralax. But for whatever reason, this song was all I could listen to… I didn’t want to listen to anything fast or angry, even though that is usually how I release steam (something Paralax had always been a go-to music choice for). Rather, this was both my song of comfort and the song to listen to and really just break down in disbelief that she had been taken away from us.

When I hear this song, it’s like I’m instantly back in my bedroom of my old apartment. I can still remember the feel of the air, the way the room looked and felt, the feel of the black down comforter on my bed and the smell of the hardwood dresser that held my stereo that played this song over, and over, and over and over…

Starting at 1:45 – that was a part that just seemed to hit me so hard. I don’t know why, but I remember listening to that verse ad nasuem. I don’t know why I associated this song with Jen, but for whatever reason, this song will always, probably until the day I day, remind me of her and I think that is very fitting.

This is a beautiful song and Jen was a beautiful and amazing girl. I remember how disappointed I was when I heard T-Pain or some other moron use a sample of this song… but luckily, the original version will always be special and remind me of Jen. It’s a very bittersweet song for me to this day.

7) King Christian by Mew. 182 plays.

I was actually quite surprised to find this song on the top 10. Mew is one of those very under rated and somewhat unknown bands – but they are a band I adore. This song though – I guess I just didn’t expect of all their songs that THIS was the one to make it on this list (they have another song in the top 25).

Once I started to think about it though it made more sense… For whatever reason, they were the only band I could listen to on my flight from Atlanta to London in 2005. I don’t like flying in general, but a flight that long, added to the fact that I was leaving my family and friends for nearly seven weeks made for a very long flight… Yet this song was really soothing. It’s so calming, but still upbeat. The feel of the chorus kinda calmed me down and got me more excited for what was about to happen (I had no idea at the time how unreal and just amazing that trip was going to be).

This is another one of those songs from 2005 that holds so many amazing memories.

8) Make Tonight by Emanuel. 174 plays.

Another surprising song on the list… This is the only song by Emanuel that I like. But I absolutely love it.

There’s something about the drum and bass that I love… it has such a great rhythm and feel to it. I’ve never known how to explain it… the vibe during the verses is so unique to me. I love the difference in how the feeling is between the chorus and the verses.

I was a little surprised when I started to pay attention to the lyrics and realized that the song is all about just meeting a girl and hooking up with her, but I guess that’s kind of why it has such an almost, what’s the word… smooth, flirty, kind of confident swagger to it? Like I said, really hard for me to explain but there is definitely a particular vibe that I get from this song that makes me just love it.

Too bad I’ve never enjoyed any thing else they’ve written…

9) Sunday Drive by The Early November. 168 plays.

Oh Sunday Drive…. To be honest, the fact that this song has so many plays is borderline pathetic because I know exactly the time frame it got them all in. Fall of 2006. I had heard this song a bunch of times before then (I love these guys) but I went through, what I felt was at the time, a very tough break up. This was my pathetic emo, whiny, sad song. There, I’ll just admit that and get it out of the way.

I listened to this song so many times that I eventually just figured it out on the guitar and instead of listening to it, I would just sit and play and sing it… which was actually more fun than listening to it. The ending was always really fun to play and I remember when I was in my really pathetic moods, I would sit in my room and just play this song and sing at the top of my lungs. It was therapeutic in some ways… but still pathetic lol. Oh well. It’s a great song and an even better break up song, so I’ll just write it up as such.

10) Solidarity by Enter Shikari. 153 plays.

What blows my mind about this song being on the list is that all of these songs, except for this one, are a few years old. In fact, I think all of them were released at the latest in 2005. Not this one. This song? June of 2009. That’s right, less than a year ago.

So that means this song has been played almost enough to equal out 1 play a day since it came out. If any song has a chance to over take “Magnolia” this is it. I was absolutely blown away by this song… everything about it. The breakdown starting at 1:10 is unreal and still gets me pumped up and excited. I’ve had entire workouts where I just listened to this song over and over again.

This song will probably always remind me of working out because that is where I’ve probably listened to it the most, but no matter what, it’s the type of song that can INSTANTLY put me in a great mood and get me pumped up. Love it. Love it. Love it.

------

So there’s the list. Not sure if that was exciting at all to read, but it was really fun to write. So there you go. Man I love music…

:: Indiana Jones and Parenthood ::

2010-01-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

Music: Mae - Tisbury Lane
Mood: Sleepy

I'm still freaked out about being a dad. Can I admit that? Oh well, I just did.

Maybe freaked out is the wrong word choice. I'm still.... realizing it's actually happening... question mark? Let me clarify - there are times when it feels so real and I get excited like crazy. And then there are the times when if it weren't for Abbie being really sick I probably would have forgotten. Sorry about that little future baby; nothing personal.

I hear that's normal for dad's. Some garbage about how males don't REALLY become dad's until the baby is born (yet we're the sexiest ones). But it's not like I'm in denial about the whole thing and it's not like I'm just assuming I can sit back and worry about it in about 6 months. I'm well aware that I'm going to be a dad, I guess I'm just still adjusting to everything it entails.

I do know a few things though; I know I'm excited and nervous. Not so much nervous about what it means to be a parent or about how much your life changes... I always thought that was a funny piece of advice from people. "You're life is going to TOTALLY change." Well yeah, duh. That's like buying a car and being told, "You know it's going to MUCH easier to go from point A to point B now." I sorta figured that... hence why I bought the car in the first place.

Ok, maybe that's a bad analogy. No, actually, it's not, you get the picture. A baby won't make life easier, but I don't expect it to. Just as I don't expect my life to stay the same. If I wanted it to stay the same we probably wouldn't have tried to get pregnant. I'm expecting change; it's part of the deal. I'm on board with the change thing.

Wow, tangent much? Sometimes.

Any way, this is what I know more than anything else; I'm equally excited and nervous about the whole adventure. But isn't that the point of an adventure? It's exciting because you don't know what awaits, although you're pretty sure so REALLY awesome stuff await - otherwise it'd be more of a boring trip than an adventure. But at the same time, not knowing what lies ahead makes it a little nerve wracking at the same time.

It's kinda like Indiana Jones. Sure he seemed calm, cool and collected... but I bet before each of his adventures he was both nervous and excited and then once the adventure started he rose to the occasion and battled all sorts of Nazi's, traps, spider webs and things that could melt your face off. That's just like having a kid... I see no difference in our paths.

So really you could say I'm like the Indiana Jones of parenthood.

Wow this has taken a lot of random turns... enough rambling for this evening. It's late and I should be in bed.

:: Accumulative Advantage ::

2010-01-15T22:46:00.000-08:00

Music: Tiesto - In the Dark
Mood: Reflective

Have you ever stopped to think about all the little decisions/events that brought you to where you are in your life right now? Whether you are happy with where you're at or you wish you were somewhere else, I still think it's an amazing thing to reflect on.

For whatever reason, during the middle of the day today I was sitting at my office and it just sorta hit me. I was thinking to myself how grateful I am to have a job I love so much and how I really feel lucky (a word I hate using) to be where I'm at in my life... and then it started to dawn on me...

I finished the book "Outliers" a few weeks ago - if you haven't read it before, I HIGHLY recommend it. Any way, the book talks about the way we view success and successful people and how we often tell this story of a "self-made" person who came from "nothing to riches" and how inspirational it is... how marvelous it is that they created this life for themselves. But really, the author looks closer at these people and analyzes how there is no such thing as a self-made person. That we are all a product of our cultures, our up bringing, chance events and being in the right place at the right time - that all coupled with skill.

There was a single sentence in his book that stood out almost more than anything else because it hit on term I had never heard, but obviously understood.

"Success is the result of what sociologists like to call “accumulative advantage.”"

With that in mind I started to view my own life - and I started to pinpoint all of the odd chance encounters that lead to exactly where I am right now. Obviously, I could go back really far, but for whatever reasons I pinpointed things back to a single decision in 2005.

In 2005 I decided to go on a six week study abroad trip to London. I was told that event would change my life... how right that person was.
Because of how much I walked everywhere in London I ended up loosing 20lbs in six weeks.
When I got home I didn't want to put the weight back on so I kept going to the gym.
One of the days I was working out I had my body-fat measured. The guy who did it just so happened to be in a bad mood that day and quickly measured me - the number he gave me seemed very low, yet he didn't feel like redoing it.
Since I didn't believe it I went back the next day and asked someone else - I just so happened to ask a regional manager who had noticed me and my progress over the previous few months and offered to hire and train me. He thought I had a good story to share and I randomly started working as a personal trainer.
A few months later (May of 2006) a beautiful, fun, lively and down-to-earth brunette came and asked me a question at work - I would marry her a year and a half later.
Meeting a girl I knew I could eventually marry made me question what I was doing for work - it just so happened that the guy I roomed with in London had a brother that owned a bank recruiting firm; I started in April of 2007.
Without that opportunity I never would have been able to afford to get married, or buy our home. Beyond that, I started to gain an interest and learn more about the finance world.
In August of 2009 I decided to leave that job, not sure what I would exactly do, but confident there was something waiting for me out there.
A few months later a friend of mine - who I met because he is married to Abbie's best friend - started talking to one of his friends about me and about his friend to me - he felt strongly that the two of us should meet.
Justin and I met - a few days later I was offered a job at Hyde Financial and Consulting Group.

I look back at those series of events and I'm just shocked. I've always felt confident that I'm a skilled person; that I have some innate and unique qualities and characteristics that make me a marketable and "successful" person. But I'm not so proud to assume I'm just THAT good. I've been so blessed by the people around me. By these little events that at the time didn't seem that significant, yet without them - who knows where I would be... What if I gave in to my fear and never left for London? What if I never would have gone back to confirm the low body fat number I was told the day before? What if I would have been helping a client or out to lunch at that exact moment that gorgeous brunette had a training question? A single different decision in any one of those key moments would have created a completely different destiny.

Obviously, that's how life works. It's the sum of all the little events we go through; each one building on the last one ad nauseam. But when you really stop to analyze it, and you think about all of those events stacked on top of each other - I guess it just sort of blows my mind.

It can be a very humbling thing to think about - at least that's how I view it. Obviously, I don't believe it comes down solely to being at the right place at the right time. No one ever eats for free. I've worked very hard, and continue to do so daily in order to take care of my family and achieve my goals. However, I know all of that hard work either a) is a moot point without the proper opportunities and b) I am a product of a good family, a good up bringing and a father who felt the insatiable responsibility to raise his kids with a level of confidence in themselves that dares us to try anything and feel inferior to no one; a characteristic that has probably influenced me more than anything else.

I'm very grateful for all of those things - to be the product of a thousand different factors that all brought me to this single moment in my life. Some of those factors I controlled - some were just arbitrary chance. More than that, I'm excited to know that all of the little random events that are happening currently - the people I am meeting, the opportunities I am working on and getting involved with - are creating new building blocks. I know in five years I could very easily be writing another entry just like this. I guess that's what makes me so excited about life every day - there's so much yet to be written; yet in so many ways, the wheels are already in motion for those future, unknown events.

I am very grateful for the things I have in my life. I am even more grateful for the "random" events that brought me here and I'm humbled every time I think about it. That is something I will never loose sight of.

Sempre Avanti.

:: The Best is Still Yet to Come ::

2010-01-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

Music: Jimmy Eat World Pandora Station
Mood: Relaxed

There are very few things I like more in this life than unwinding with my ipod (or pandora in this case) after a long day. Honestly, if I have good music I can just sit and listen for hours - I get caught up in the music, caught up in my own thoughts, caught up in just being present in the moment - It's like I'm in a casino; I'm usually pretty numb to the outside world when I really get lost in it. And I love that.

I think what's always drawn me to it. It's always had that power over me. I remember being in grade school and during recess sitting somewhere outside with a junky beat-up Walkman tape player - the really high tech ones that only had play and rewind; that's it. Not to mention the old-school headphones with the paper thin foam covering the saucer sized ear pieces. Any way - I would just sit and listen to music. I'd pick out cool things the drums were doing or choruses that I thought we were really well done. If a certain part of a song really hit me I would rewind it over and over again.

Sometimes I don't even know how to explain it or really put it into words, but it's something that has played such a major role in my life and will always have with me. No matter how busy I get, how stressed I get, or anything like that - I can always throw on some headphones and a good album and within a few minutes I feel totally grounded.

Kinda like tonight - it's been a really good, but extremely busy week and I've found myself the last few nights wanting to just stay up and just listen to music and write and recharge instead of actually going to bed and sleeping. Ever had a night like that? You're tired... but there's so much on your mind and then "My Sundown" by Jimmy Eat World comes on and you can't leave now... this song is just so amazing. Not to mention all the memories attached to it... so you start getting lost in that and then it brings up more memories and more things on your mind. And then you start replaying things in your head... little moments, big events, things that seemed insignificant at the time but when you look back on them with the right song they are just this incredible memory you want to relive and experience all over again. And then that reminds you of other songs you listened to a lot back then too... and then the acoustic version of "Giving it Away" by Mae comes on and the cycle ends up repeating itself until the next thing you know, it's two o'clock in the morning and you've got to be up in five hours.... yet, it all seemed totally worthwhile.

I always wonder if it has the same impact on other people... If I hear a great song or a really powerful lyric/chorus/whatever it's like I want to share it with the world and tell them how amazing it is. I've never really understood how someone can say they're not "really into" music. Blows me mind. That's like telling me you don't breath oxygen. It just doesn't register with me. But then again, I think stamp collecting is pretty ridiculous, but that hasn't stopped my father from loving it. Go figure.

I have no idea where I'm going with this... I really don't. So maybe I should just wrap it up.

I love you music. Thank you for being my best good friend.

:: The Safety of a Quiet House ::

2010-01-12T00:22:00.000-08:00

Music: Jimmy Eat World - Dizzy
Mood: Thoughtful

“Knowing oneself is not so much a question of discovering what is present in one's self, but rather the creation of who one wants to be.”

This is a quote that has been stuck in my brain since the day I read it. The kind of quote that keeps me up at night thinking about who I am, who I've been and most importantly, who I ultimately want to be.

Something in me clicked last year when it came to my personal development. I've always been a person who believed life is what you make of it - that we choose the glasses we'll view the world through. But I guess this self-actualization journey I've been on over the last few months especially has made me ask some really important questions... Some of which have answers and some that flat out don't. Some answers are carved in granite while others might as well be on a dry erase board because they are changing daily as my knowledge and experiences change.

But overall, it boils down to a few core questions...

1. What type of family member do I want to be – as a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle… and most importantly now; as a father.
2. What do I want out of my career?
3. What do I want out of my spiritual/religious life?
4. What do I want to be known for and remembered by?
5. What core values drive me daily?

Like I said, some of these questions I really don’t have complete answers for yet – and in many ways that’s a terrifying, yet exciting idea because it sheds light on the ability of a creation of ones self rather than a predestined idea of who we are or have to become. There are very very few things in this life that I believe are absolutes – the rest is flexible if we believe it to be. It can be molded, changed, adapted, developed or all together thrown out. We choose what we believe is possible.

For instance, I met a gentleman at work today who said he has ten core areas that he ponders on daily; and they all end with “al” – personal, spiritual, financial, familial, etc. It was interesting to see this man; someone who will turn 73 this month, who has been ultra successful by every definition of the word, who has created a life for himself that he never could have dreamed of when he was younger and bouncing from foster home to foster home – and hear that he still asks himself these types of questions. And beyond the simple asking of the questions, that his answers are still fluid – that he is still growing and ultimately changing as new and more relevant information is made available. The answers to each one of those questions might be vastly different now than the answers he had twenty years

I think that’s an interesting concept and the moment we started talking that quote came to the forefront of my mind. The creation of who we want to be is not a simple, nor a short process. In fact, it most likely never ends, at least that’s the take away I got from meeting this gentleman. So I guess in that sense its ok that I don’t really have the answers – for now I have a general map to follow; I just may not know all the landmarks I’ll see along the way.

I hope I never loose this inquisitive state - I doubt I will; it’s in my nature – because I think it’s the questions that help us continue moving forward. If we stop asking questions, well, really we stop growing. So I guess that’s the point to this long ramble… I’m really trying to work on who I want to be, even though I’m not entirely sure of whom that is at times.

But for now – well, for now I feel good about the path I’m on. I feel really good actually. So I guess I’ll keep at it and enjoy the knowledge, experience and growth it brings me.

:: First Big News of 2010 ::

2010-01-10T20:18:00.001-08:00

Music: Toto - Africa
Mood: Excited

Welcome, Baby Pesci, esq.

We found out right before Thanksgiving but wanted to wait to share the news until after our first major appointment. Everything looks positive and healthy and great so the little one will be joining us on or around Aug. 2nd... and we couldn't be more excited.

I'll follow up on this another time with a longer post.

:: Oh Hey 2010... I Didn't See You There ::

2010-01-01T23:25:00.001-08:00

Music: Jimmy Eat World Pandora Station
Mood: Quixotic

Welcome 2010. Pleasure to meet you. I've heard some really good things about you... but I have to be up front with you from the beginning - the last year I was with treated my pretty good. I'm not saying I won't get over 2009, but she treated me right. Sure, she brought me some random events - in fact, she threw a couple of curve balls at me that I wouldn't have seen coming at the beginning. But all in all, it was one of the best years of my life - so it may be a tough act to follow. I think it's important for you to know that from the beginning. You know, so we're both on the same page.

But I digress.

I didn't come here to compare the two of you to each other. That wouldn't be fair. 2009 and I have had twelve solid months together... you and I have only known each other for a day now. So, let me just say this - there's a lot I'm looking forward to with you 2010. I think you and I are really going to have a lot of fun together. In fact, that's one thing you could actually thank 2009 for if you ever run into her. She really set you up. It's like you're batting with the bases loaded with no outs - unless you really choke we're bound to see some good things happen, and I don't see you choking. That's not who you are - you're 2010... the lead off for the decade.

So.... now that we're on the same page let me just say that I'm really excited about what awaits us. I have a very strong feeling that our relationship together is going to be incredible. There are so many things that I am excited about over our next twelve months. In fact, if I were 2011... I'd already be nervous. That's right... one day into our relationship and I'm already throwing that out there. That's how confident I am we'll have fun together.

I may have just met you 2010... but I like you already. I promise to treat you right if you'll be willing to do the same. And if we can just each keep that simple promise - well, I have a good feeling you and I are going to have a lot of fun together.

Sound fair?

I knew I already liked you for a reason.

:: Hello Again ::

2009-09-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

Mood: Content
Music: Jimmy Eat World - Table for Glasses

I haven't sat down to post a real blog in who knows how long - actually, any one of you could check, so I guess lots of people could know, but my guess is very few care enough to check... I know I sure don't. Any way, let's bring this bad boy up to speed since it's been a while and a lot has changed.

First things first, I quit my job about a month ago? Maybe it was three weeks... again, dates aren't important. What it really boiled down to is it just wasn't the right place for me any more. It didn't feel as stable as I'd like - not in the sense of income, but rather the company itself. Things were always changing and I didn't like that. It was totally amicable and the door is "always open" if I want to go back, but I really want to take this time to try and create some stuff. I know I won't be happy working for someone else the rest of my life so I figure the best time to take a shot at creating something is when I am young and don't have as many responsibilities... for now at least.

Which brings me to the next point: we're probably going to try and have a baby soon. That may seem counter intuitive: quit your job and then have a baby, but well, I guess we're just crazy like that. What can I say, the time felt right (which is both terrifying and exciting to think about) so we're following our gut here. Nothing to report yet, so don't get excited (all 3 of you that read this) but it's in the works.

Oh yeah, as I mentioned real briefly the other day, I am writing in another blog: True Transformation Training. One of my friends started the site and the concept and he and I have wanted to work on a project together for quite some time, so it's been a lot of fun to get going more and more. We have a lot of great ideas for the blog and many other things associated with it down the road. I always get questions from friends and family about how to eat healthy and work out and everything related to it, so this seemed like a no brainer. Check it out, add it as a favorite and if you have questions, or specific topics you'd like addressed, leave a comment and we'll put something together for the next post.

All in all, life is good. There are still a lot of things up in the air and a lot of uncertainties, but overall, I'm learning to just go with the flow and trust it will all work out; which it usually does.

So that's the update. I'll work on trying to keep up with this thing more... and the other one.

:: Hey There ::

2009-09-11T00:24:00.000-07:00

Hey guys - check out the new blog I am contributing to: www.truetransformationtraining.com/

This blog is about everything fitness, health and wellness related - but, it will go into more detail than just how to work out correctly or eat healthy. This is just as much about motivation, focus, peak performance and attaining goals as anything else. We hope the information will be useful and that you'll enjoy.

So take a look at what Sam has already put on the blog, read what I just threw down this afternoon and stay tuned in for more information. If you feel it's useful, helpful or relevant, tell your friends and come chat on the blog with us about the things you're unsure about.

Go to the website listed above to check it out, or simply click on my profile and it will show it as one of my blogs.

Looking forward to more.

:: A First World Luxury ::

2009-06-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: Thoughtful
Music: Enter Shikari - Solidarity

I first heard that term used by Anthony Bourdain. He referred to vegetarianism as a “first world luxury”, explaining that in many of the countries he visits that concept would be absurd. It seemed like an interesting idea; obviously there are many “third world” countries where that type of lifestyle is the norm, but I think the message behind his words makes a lot of sense.

I started thinking about that quote again yesterday after I finished listening to a radio piece about life in Haiti. The piece was discussing trade laws that the Haitian government is pushing for that would help create more jobs, and hopefully, increase the minimum wage – currently set at $2/day; a figure it has been stagnant at for over 20 years.

As the program continued it discussed how jobs are so scarce many people will work one month on, one month off so others can earn money and thus put food on the table. If people were lucky, or really skilled – say at making jeans or clothing – they could possibly earn up to $3 or $4 a day; a “salary” (if you dare call it that) that would never afford them to buy even one pair of the clothes they make.

But that’s not what struck me the most. As disheartening as it is to understand these situations, what made me think most was realizing that most of these people are “truly blessed” – as the commentator put it – to have one hot meal a day.

It was a sobering thing to hear as I just finished a weekend of grocery shopping – spending more on a week’s worth of food than most of those people will make in a month. It was at that point where Bourdain’s quote came back into my mind and I realized it’s not vegetarianism that’s a luxury; it’s having food in general, or in my case, having a “nutrition program”.

One hot meal a day. If they’re lucky, they’ll have one hot meal a day. I have 8 small meals a day. Each one is meticulously put together to be the perfect amount of nutrients for my body. Each meal planned at a specific point in my day so I never go more than three hours without eating.

One hot meal a day.

To say putting all these things into proper perspective is humbling would be an understatement of epic proportions. It’s so much more than that. It’s the much needed slap in the face to remind me of just how fortunate I am and how all too often, I take that for granted.

I know I am blessed, and really, I think about that daily and how grateful I am for the life I’ve been given, but I think it’s too easy to get caught up in what we’re surrounded with and lose perspective. Because honestly, I think that’s the one thing it boils down to. If you can keep that in check it’s that much easier on a daily basis to find something to feel fortunate about. It’s what keeps us humble and pushes us to do more with what we’ve been given, whether at work, at home or just personally.

It’s nice to have experiences like that – at least for me – little things to remind me of how much I’ve been given; even if there’s a part of me that feels hypocritical for writing this as I sit in a comfy chair inside my office while having just finished my second meal for the day.

Oh the irony of awareness.

:: Good Times ::

2009-06-03T10:14:00.001-07:00

Mood: Not motivated to work… is that a mood?
Music: Saosin – The Grey

Well, we just got back from ~~Sunny~~ California and it was a trip we had been looking forward to for months for so many different reasons… Disneyland, the beach, getting away from Utah, spending time with the amazing people out there and of course, Derek's wedding. Well, all of that went great except the beach. Thanks June Gloom. We sure do love you.

The trip was filled with a lot of fun times with our friends out there; who are some of the best people I know. Growing up with Derek, Spencer and Aaron they are the types of guys I will be friends with till the day I die. They are like family. The best part is they all found and married such sweet and fun women. I wish we all lived closer – they insist that we should move there since everyone else is out there already – but I suppose that makes our once a year visits that much more special. It’s just fun to know you can go that long without seeing someone and within five minutes of being back together it’s like old times (although I’m not so sure all the wives appreciate that the old times can often mean immature times). It’s just rare to have friends like that and it’s something I really cherish. It was really nice to be able to get out there and spend that much time with them and just have fun together. I’m a lucky guy – I have great friends.

The highlight of the trip though was Derek’s wedding. The entire experience was beautiful. The chapel they were married in (here) is incredible. Their reception was at our hotel and it was a party. We are all amazing dancers – in fact, we should probably start some type of crew – so of course we owned the dance floor. We all laughed and joked and danced late into the night and just enjoyed the atmosphere, the moment and the company.

When the weekend was over and Abbie and I were flying back to Utah I sat and thought about how special trips like this are. As all of our lives get busier with growing careers and families I know it will be that much harder to get everyone together. For such a simple weekend it was the type you want to just continue reliving so you can keep soaking up all the joy that’s associated with it. We made the deal that at least once a year we’ll make the trip to California to get everyone together. Hopefully that is something we can continue for a long time.

Overall, it was just great to be back with everyone out there. It’s like the old days – it doesn’t matter what we’re doing, we just have fun when we’re all together, just like we use to on our stoop every summer night. I guess now The Stoop is just mobile.

"When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain"

- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

:: I Got You Good ::

2009-05-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

Mood: Exhasted
Music: Armin Van Burren - Imagine

Hey Blog -

Yeah, it's me Nico. Remember that time back at the very beginning of April when I told you I'd visit more and that I had every intention of writing more often... Well I bet you totally believed me. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you even got a bit excited to see me more often. I don't blame you, I would have to.

Well boy did I fool you.......

Oops.

It use to be habit for me every night to sit down at my computer and just jot down what was on my mind that night. And honestly, I loved that. Lately, however, even though I've had a ton to write about (my brother moving back, Abbie starting a new internship/job, getting another dog, starting a new nutrition program so I can get crazy big, going to California next weekend, etc) as you can tell I just haven't. I want to say I'll get better, but the reality is if I lie to this blog like 13 or 14 more times I doubt it'll hang out with me any more. And well, if that happens no one wins (except the terrorists and we don't want that).

So I'll try. But I'm not promising anything. Ok, I'll promise to try, but that's the most you'll get out of me.

:: Sometimes You Have to Hit Them with a Sledge Hammer ::

2009-04-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

Music: Illborn - 268
Mood: Amused

I hate everyone.

Ok, so that was a little melodramatic, so let me back up. I hate 80% of everyone in Utah Valley. I think that might be a safer assessment of my frustrations.

When I was younger I remember my father always ranting about how everyone here lived in "Lala Land" but I never quite knew what he was talking about. How they all had their heads up in the clouds with their feet a million miles away on the ground. They were in the moment, but never quite present. It all makes such sense now.

I want to believe it's not me. I want to believe that I'm not a hot headed person. In fact, I think I'm quite the opposite. I'm usually quite a mild person - I don't get angry easy. I don't yell unless it's warranted (which is seldom) and I definitely don't let little things get to me. All things considered, I'd like to believe I'm a pretty easy going, optimistic kind of guy and hopefully those who know me would agree. Well, a big thanks to Utah County for kicking all of those qualities to the curb. I appreciate it. No, really, I do.

I don't know if it's just me growing older and being more aware of people, but it seems like every day I'm tempted to walk up to a random stranger and shake the crap out of them while screaming in their face. "Don't you realize there are other people around you!?! How is it even possible for you to be this oblivious and still be conscious!?!" I can just picture it now....

Ok, again, maybe a little much. Maybe I exaggerate; but needless to say, they definitely live in Lala Land. I'm a firm believer that place exists and its population is growing every day.

Example #1: The woman who stops in the middle of the road to read a sign and then proceeds to get mad at others for honking.

Example #2: The couple on Geneva Road that go 35 mph (it’s a 50mph zone), while completely ignoring the fact that there are 8 cars lined up behind them.

Example #3: The d-bag in the giant truck that assumes because his truck is so big and bad - which I'm sure is just a direct reflection of how big and bad he is – that it has to be parked diagonally across 3 parking spaces - hopefully all of which are handicap spots.

Example #4: The person who does something blatantly rude/inconsiderate/selfish and then just gives you a cute little Sunday school smile, almost as if she's saying, "It's ok, we're all brothers and sisters here. Sure do appreciate ya!"

Well guess what? I don't appreciate you. In fact, I resent the hell out of you for your blatant lack of consideration for others. You heard me. I'm not gonna pretend its ok, because it's not and truly, I don't know what planet you think tolerates that type of behavior and a simple "oops" smile and shrug won't get you a free ticket out of being an idiot.

So here it is Utah County: Stop it. Stop pretending everything is fine and dandy and your actions don't affect others. Be considerate. Don't turn left at an intersection 10 minutes after the arrow has turned red and then get mad at the other cars for honking at you. If someone is trying to walk into a store, don't be so caught up in talking to your girlfriend that you don't even realize there are half a dozen people waiting for you to move so they can walk in. Just look around once in a while – it’s quite simple actually.

But hey, even if you don’t change – I sure do appreciate ya.

:: Come on Electricity ::

2009-04-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

“Just remember Nico, when you come up with that next big thing – that ground breaking idea that we know is in you – my partners and I would love to sit down and talk with you about it.”

When I come up with it? Could you let me know too because I think I’m just as anxious to have that light-bulb above my head finally light up.

Instead of walking away from that conversation feeling honored by what I assume was a compliment I walked away thinking, “Awesome… so uh, now what?”

I was actually quite amused that my older, wealthy friend Jeff randomly said all of that to me today because this topic has actually been on my mind a lot lately. In fact, it seems like a daily activity for me to ponder about where I’m headed in this life. I’m just so curious how and when it will all click – assuming of course that it’s going to one day.

I’ve written about this before – the desire to have a very detailed road map for your life. One that outlined all the different turns and paths and mountains you’ll need to travel to get to your ultimate goal. I’d love something like that. And in a lot of ways, I think that was the common belief of most of us growing up. There might not have been a map with the detail of say, Google Maps Street View (if I look up my brother’s house I can actually see my dad standing outside – that stuff is insane!) but it was at least a decent map, say a Columbus era style map circa 1492. It may not have been perfect but it at least gave you a decent idea of how to get where you wanted. Ok so maybe that was a bad analogy. He thought he was going to Orient and he ended up here which – and I’m no cartographer – didn’t seem correct, but I think you get the idea.

Our map seemed simple: Go to school, go to more school (maybe even more), get an entry level job, work real hard – impress the bosses and learn to play office politics, work your way up to an even better position (or possibly work for yourself), dedicate 20+ years and hopefully retire somewhere warm with high-valued stock and a pension.

I think it’s safe to say that after the last year, our map needs to be updated. There’s no one right path. In fact, maybe the Columbus analogy works better than I thought. You might assume you know where you’re going but you end up somewhere on the complete opposite side of the globe – which in the long run didn’t turn out to be so bad really.

Ok, I’m getting way off topic here. Long story short, I just wish I knew I was making all the right choices. I wish I had 100% confidence that what I am doing now and what I am dedicating all of my time to is going to get me where I want to be someday. That the path I’m on is the right one and if I just stay on it long enough that stupid light-bulb above my head will finally give off a soft-white fluorescent glow – but hopefully not 60 watt – that never feels bright enough for my taste.

But I guess that’s not how it works. The more I think about it, the more it seems the best course of action is to just pick a path and stick with it until it doesn’t make sense any more – a point I’m definitely not at yet. And who knows, maybe that light-bulb idea that Jeff knows I have just waiting to get out will come to me down this path, even if I can’t see it yet. Maybe I’m not supposed to have that epiphany at twenty-five and I need to stop reading Forbes Most Successful Under 30 lists.

Or maybe I just need to be patient and keep working hard and learning as much as I can from as many different sources as possible. Because really, just because you don’t know what the idea is – or how/when it will come to you – doesn’t mean it won’t eventually show up.

I guess I should worry a little less about getting that bulb to light up and a little more about making sure all the wiring and electricity is in place first.

Back to the basics I suppose.

:: Forgive Me? ::

2009-04-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

Mood: Relaxed
Music: Taproot - Poem

Dear Blog -

I'm sorry I've been such a bad writer and left you alone over the last six weeks. I'm sure I could list a million reasons why I've been too busy to visit, but I'm sure you'd see through it and call me out for just being lazy or playing too much call of duty - so I won't even try that route.

I mean sure, a lot has been going on and that's kept me busy, but that's no excuse. In fact, I've even visited you a couple of times with the intent of writing, but it's just ended up like a silly high school break up. I'd drive past your house to see if you're home but never have the guts to stop by and say I miss you. It always ends the same way.

So, rather than justifying my absence, let's just admit it's been a while and put that behind us. I'm back now - and I've got a lot to talk about. I'll even give you a bit of a makeover to freshen things up. You with me on this?

I knew you'd understand.

:: 25 Things - I Gave In ::

2009-02-16T21:55:00.001-08:00

Mood: Thoughtful
Music: Trevor Hall - The Aftermath (Everyone needs to check out Trevor - he's amazing)

Everyone's been doing this lately, so I thought since I'm bored and Abbie is studying I'll join in.

1. Music was and always will be my first love.
2. I sometimes hate myself for giving up on that love.
3. Even though I've been in Utah since I was almost 6, I still say I'm from outside of Boston - I've never felt like a Utah.
4. I use to have insomnia - or at least that's what it seemed like. No matter how tired I was, I didn't want to sleep.
5. I've always believed I'm going to do/create/build/be something great - to this day I still have no clue what that will be or how I'll do it... I just know it will happen.
6. I was never really that into sports growing up - I use to sit with a headphones and a tape deck during recess and pick out the different parts of songs that stood out.
7. I truly, truly believed high school would be like Saved by the Bell growing up - I was disappointed it wasn't really like that.
8. Saved by the Bell is still one of my favorite shows - I probably know the story line to each episode by heart.
9. Sometimes I feel I grew up too fast - I got into stuff in junior high most people save for high school and college - so by the time I was "grown up" I wasn't interested in most of the stuff my friends were.
10. Although I don't always show it, because I don't see them a lot, most of my friends from high school still mean the world to me. If any of them ever needed me I'd drop everything to help them out.
11. I've never been upset about my parents divorce - I've always looked at it as one of the best things that could have happened to my family because it allowed them to stay friends. I never really cared.
12. Even with all the mistakes I've made, there are very few things I really regret or wish would have never happened. There are though some things I wish I would have done differently.
13. Sometimes my religion frustrates me just as much as it brings me joy and peace.
14. I always wonder what my older siblings were like when they were my age - how responsible, focused, "adult" they were and if I'm ahead or behind the curve.
15. I've done my hair the exact same way since I was 15 - I still don't know what else to do with it.
16. I still love just sitting at my computer listening to music and talking to people - when I moved to California it was how I coped with not being around any of my friends or family.
17. I played my first concert when I was 12, recorded my first real album by 16 and toured with 311 before I was 18 - and it was all incredible.
18. I'll never play in a band again because it just wouldn't be the same.
19. I would give so much to be able to go back to "The Stoop" for just one more summer.
20. The moment I met my wife I knew she was something special - I just didn't realize how it would play out.
21. I think I'm really good at reading people. I see through their words/actions/behavior and see what is really driving them.
22. I consider myself a real person: my heart has always been on my sleeve. I've never been good at playing games; which never served me well when I was dating.
23. I would do anything to be able to play the piano and sing - except practice the piano and singing...
24. I talk for my dog, Duke. Sometimes I'll have conversations with him, even though I'm the only one talking.
25. I am extremely proud of my heritage and what my parents/grandparents sacrificed and went through to give me the life I have. Sempre Avanti.

:: Oh, hey there ::

2009-01-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

Mood: Not really sure?
Music: None - At Work.

It's been almost three months since I last wrote - turns out I'm not as good at writing in here as I thought I would be. Actually, that's probably not the case. The reality is I've sat down to put some thoughts down a number of times but every time my hands touch the keyboard it seems my brain shuts down. That, or I'll sit down and write this big long post about anything and everything and then realize I didn't really care to publish it - I just wanted to get my thoughts out. Hopefully I don't do that this time. Then again, if I did no one would be the wiser.

Any way, things are going well. Work is busy, but good and frustrating all at the same time. It's been a good year so far - 30 days into it. I am dealing with one annoying situation at work with a client refusing to pay - which it shocks me people think that's a reasonable option. Nothing like being owed very large sums of money and knowing you don't have a dime of it. Awesome.

Abbie's headaches have gotten better, but only to an extent. We went to the neurologist and he believes she may have a form of occipital neuralgia. Don't ask me what that is because I don't fully understand it. He's not positive that's it, but I guess there's not a lot of other logical reasons for her headaches. We're also doing some work on the homeopathic side to see if a more eastern approach helps. Nothing like feeling your fighting with your arms behind your back. Everyone has their ideas of what it may or may not be and what may or may not help - but at the end of the day, Abbie is just left with a bunch of ideas and not a lot of progress. Definitely frustrating.

There's more I want to write, but in a lot of ways, I'm really not sure this is the median to do it. I think there are some things I want to vent about - turns out I hate everything lately, who knew -but I'm sure most of it would be taken the wrong way and then that just causes more headaches of explaining the situation. And the last thing I need right now are more headaches.

So I guess for now I'll vent about that somewhere else and just enjoy the good stuff - like my wife and Duke. Those are the good things in life. The things that make all the other burdens or stress just sort of not exist. Or who knows, maybe later this weekend - when I'm not ignoring my work to post in a blog - I'll sit down and lay it all on the virtual table and see what happens. I mean, it is my blog right? What's the point of having it if you don't write what you want to write?

Alright, enough rambling - back to work.

:: Oh How the Plot Thickens ::

2008-11-11T22:08:00.000-08:00

Mood: A little bit of everything
Music: Underoath - Too Bright to See Too Loud to Hear

My poor wife is upstairs trying to fall asleep with a combination of a headache and a miserable stomach ache. Lately, she has been feeling beyond miserable. There have been crippling migraines. Gut-wrenching stomach aches. And everything else that can be thrown her way. It's such an awful feeling as a husband to watch your wife deal with so much pain, yet not know how to make it go away. We don't know what's causing it, which just adds to my helpless feeling to fix it; which in turn adds to my frustration with my lack of ability to make her better.

It could be a number of things:

She started a new birth control about a month ago - her stomach aches and headaches have seemed to increase in severity, but she's always had them so I don't think they're causing the symptoms, just amplifying the already annoying situation.
Her eyes. She was given a perscription for glasses in high school, but it was very minor, but it still may be enough. I know from experience that your eyes can cause intense headaches, which then lead to miserable nausea. I'm going to bring her to the eye doctor this week; see where that leads.
Her neck/spine/back could be out of synch. I sent her to get a massage on Friday and that seemed to help, but only temporarily. She could probably use getting to the chiropractor as well, so I'll try to set that up.
Her actual head. We have an appointment set for the beginning of December for her to see a neurologist so he/she can take a closer look or run some basic tests to see if there is something we should be concerned about. Ultimately, we'll probably have to get an MRI or Cat-Scan, but we're waiting to see if there are other solutions/tests first.

Overall, it could be any number of things, but I have no idea how to decipher. So all I can do is offer her a massage, or a hot bath or a bag of ice or who knows. It's so frustrating - and obviously more so for her than me. I wish I knew what to do because I hate seeing her feel so awful every single day. I guess we'll keep trying different options and hopefully one will lead to her feeling better.

On a side note, I realized today how much of a joke it is that Thanksgiving is this giant holiday that everyone takes work and school of for, but today - Veterans Day - most people didn't even know it was a holiday. I find it ridiculous that we spend so much time celebrating stupid holidays, but important ones - days like today - are pushed aside with little mention or focus. With out our veterans, with out the men and women who serve this country - and have died for it - we wouldn't be able to celebrate any of those ridiculous holidays. Maybe it's made a bigger deal elsewhere, but here in Utah I had more people act shocked to hear it was Veterans Day. Now, when St. Patricks or Valentines shows up, everyone will remember. What a joke.

To my friends who have served and continue to do so - thank you.

That's it for now. I need to sleep.

:: Anywhere, Say Anywhere ::

2008-11-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

Mood: Content
Music: Anberlin - Cities

Being married I think I forgot how much I enjoy sitting by myself in a house with loud music playing. Not saying I don't love the company of my wife - because I do - but I just forgot how content I am in situations like that. I can't handle it all the time, not at all. But sometimes - every now and then - there is a peacefulness I get from doing simple things around the house while a favorite album plays in the background and never saying a word.

Tonight Abbie is rock climbing and when I got home from the gym I turned on the stereo, did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, cooked dinner and sat at the counter and ate by myself - and I loved it. Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe it's not being alone but rather I just love this album and all the memories that are associated with it. Who knows. But there is a tranquility for me to just being alone with my music; whether it's in an empty house or while I'm sitting up in my office and Abbie is downstairs. Music is such a big part of my life and sometimes there's nothing I want more than to just get lost in my favorite songs and just enjoy the memories, feelings and thoughts they bring back to the forefront of my mind. I love it.

Any way, my lovely bride is on her way home and as much as I've loved the last hour by myself I wouldn't mind cuddling up to her on the couch and relaxing.

:: Another Month Goes By ::

2008-11-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

Music: Paramore - Decode
Mood: Relaxed

I've sat down to post probably a dozen times over the last month but every time I do, something comes up where I can't finish. I tell myself I'll start over tomorrow and of course that doesn't happen either. So here I am trying to put together a mega post of updates and thoughts to cover the last month; we'll see how it goes.

So one of the biggest things I didn't write about was Abbie and I celebrating our one year anniversary last month (Oct. 20th). It's crazy how fast that year went by. I was talking to my older brother *who's been married almost 21 years now* and he was saying the rest goes by just as fast so enjoy it. In a way that excites me because I really am looking forward to when we start to have kids and what it'll be like to have a big family. But at the same time there's the selfish side of me that wants everything to slow down so we can just enjoy the journey. Chances are both things will happen. It'll go quickly, but it'll be a blast.

For the celebratory weekend we headed up to Salt Lake to go to Flemmings Steakhouse for dinner and spend the night up there. It was a lot of fun to get away, even if it was just for a night. I feel really blessed to have her as my wife. She is such a source of strength and comfort for me in all I do and I couldn't imagine what life would be like with out her. She is my absolute best friend and I know we were destined for each other. There's just no other way to explain just how well we work together. I feel very fortunate for that.

Overall, everything is going well right now. It seems every day I'm reminded of just how blessed we are and that I should always keep that in perspective. I have an amazing wife, a great job, a full fridge and a roof over my head. In today's times that a lot more than some people and I don't know why I'm blessed like that, but I feel very humble to know what I have.

I'd stay and write more, because there is so much more to touch on, but I have to put together a lesson for church today. I'll try to make it more of a habit to get my thoughts out on here more often. Turns out by the time I finally get around to sitting at my computer at night I'm either too tired to write anything meaningful or would just rather relax downstairs with Abbie.

So I'll just leave with a random collection of pictures from the last month or so.

Abbie and Duke before our party. I guess he was a cat... but only for a second. He hated the ears.

She makes a pretty hot teacher.

Busting out a little guitar hero. Nerds are good at two things: Math and Guitar Hero.

Livia likes to study too... or she just wanted to cuddle.

Whenever they were inside together all they'd do is nap.

Awww. Daaaaaa Wivia.

At our hotel in Salt Lake after dinner for our anniversary.

At Flemmings. That was such a delicious meal.

Random picture at our house.

:: Mediocrity is a Killer ::

2008-09-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

Music: Norma Jean - Memphis Will Be Laid to Waste
Mood: Thoughtful

I've been so curious about other people's companies lately. It seems every billboard I pass, every article I read and every tiny bit of info I hear about a successful business turns into a research project for me. I'm so curious about who started it, how old they were, how's the business going, what's the revenue, what does it even do and what made them different?

The past month that's all I've been able to think about. There are so many young, successful and driven entrepreneurs in Utah that it seems there are these very profitable but young companies all over the place. And then I stop and say, "Why them?". Not in a "what makes them so special?" or anything like that; like I assume I'm owed something. But more along the lines of; what are/were they doing differently than the average person -- namely, me.

Maybe it's not even that. Sometimes I just want to pick their brains. I'd love to sit down with every successful person and just dialogue with them. When did their idea come to them? Was it out of no where or was it a long time in development? What steps did you take to get there? What would you do differently? These are the things that rack my brain now - all the time. In my head I can't help but compare myself to every business owner and successful person I know of/meet/hear about. It's me vs them and I'm seeing how we stack up against each other to see if I'm heading in the right direction.

I guess that's my problem though - I've always been like that. I want to know the exact route to take before I even start the journey. I've always liked things mapped out perfectly. Even with something as simple as football, I had to fully understand each step and movement for a block before I could run through it in a game. I couldn't just be told to "block that guy", see it on paper and go out and do it. I always wanted to see/know the big picture. I like to know all the variables - something you can never fully do - so that way I know EXACTLY what do.

But, that's not how life works. There's no time machine. I can't go forward 10 years, see where I'm at and then suddenly have directions of exactly what I need to do to ensure I get to that point in the future. We have our free choice - our ability to make good/bad decisions, take different routes to get to the same place, or even just wander around till we find what we're looking for.

Sometimes I just get frustrated with that process. Sometimes it just seems easier for you to say,

"Dear Destiny,

Here is my order. Please let me know exactly what I need to do to make sure that order comes through.

Sincerely,

Nico.

P.S. Please don't leave out a single detail."

Of course, that's not how it goes and I know that. But a man can wish, can't he? So I figure, knowing there's no formula, no exact steps that need to be taken to get to wherever it is I'm going, I guess learning as much as I can about as many different people and the routes they took to get to their own destinations will help me make the right steps in my journey... Even if I don' t fully grasp what that is yet. At the end of the day I have to focus on what I've already accomplished, what I'm working towards and continue to set my sights high - but while also keeping them in perspective so they don't overwhelm me - something I know I am prone to.

I've been lost in thought a lot lately...

:: What a Fun Ride ::

2008-09-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Music: Brand New - Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis
Mood: Drained

What a week... I'm really glad tomorrow is Friday and the weekend will be here. It's been a roller coaster by all definitions and I'm not sure if I could handle any more with out some sort of a break. Let's take a look at the ups and downs...

Ups: On Monday there were announcements at work that changed my perspective a bit. It hasn't affected my long term goals (setting up my own company, etc.), but it definitely changed things at work. I can't really get into it, but overall, it's provided more incentive to stick with this for a few years as I get my other projects up and running. If all goes according to what was discussed it will be a great thing; so that's exciting.

Downs: At work today I had a project fall through that I've been working on for the last two and half months. It was the largest deal I've worked on yet and would have been something very lucrative; a figure that makes my stomach turn in knots when I think about it. But, for a number of reasons it fell apart. Some good might come of it down the road but overall it was a swift kick in the groin that still has me feeling nauseous. I'm trying to believe all things happen for a reason, but when stuff falls apart like this it's tough to just brush it off and move on, but I know I have to and not let it affect the rest of my work.

Ups: My side venture is moving forward strongly and I am so excited about it that it's not even funny. The motivation level to make this thing succeed is through the roof and I have a lot of faith in it. It's already taken a lot of work - and will take even more to get going - but it's headed in the right direction. The positive part about it is I really enjoy working on it. I love the research, the planning, the brainstorming - all of it. It's a level of focus and excitement that I haven't felt in a long time; so I take that as a good sign. Still a long way to go though.

Downs: I hate math and all that it stands for. The bitterness in my soul for math is borderline ridiculous. I could rant about it for hours so I won't get into it's just... ugh, it's awful but it's necessary. Stupid math.

Middle Ground: I got called yesterday to prepare a talk for church. Not necessarily a bad thing, I just have been so busy with everything else that my mind is in a million places. I've been trying to focus it so I can start writing it but so far I'm shooting blanks. I guess I have a few more days to prepare; come on divine intervention!

Overall, I can't complain; I really can't. I know at the end of the day I am being blessed daily and I need to keep that perspective, but man.... sometimes little bumps in the road make it really hard to see how great everything else is. I guess it's a balance. Either way, I'm exhausted and ready for the weekend.

Finally - man this has been long - I read a passage from a book I just finished by Og Mandino and it has been a nice thing to reflect on; especially today. So I'm throwing it up here to finish this bad boy off.

"Never will I pray for the material things of the world. I am not calling to a servant to bring me food. I am not ordering an innkeeper to provide me with room. Never will I seek delivery of gold, love, good health, petty victories, fame, success or happiness. Only for guidance will I pray, that I may be shown the way to acquire these things, and my prayer will always be answered."

:: There's Treasure Everywhere ::

2008-09-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

Music - Jimmy Eat World - Work
Mood - Quixotic

I've been trying to get on here to write lately but I've had a bunch going on and it doesn't look like things are going to get any better. Oh well. School started and although I only have two classes (8 credits) they're keeping me very busy. I'm working full time, going to school part time at night, trying to start up some side businesses (more on that in a minute), make it to the gym 3-5 times a week and still have time to spend with Abbie. It's an interesting balance.

So to touch on the business ventures; I'm working really hard right now to get a few things going. There's a guy I know that I look to as a mentor who is a brilliant business man and overall just a good person. I remember once he told me what motivated him to get to where he's at (multi-millionaire by 29) was a simple realization; "I'd rather live for a few years like most people won't to live the rest of my life like most people can't."

I've always loved that motto. I use to have it printed off and above my desk in my room at my old apartment. Problem is, I realized today that although I am working very hard to get where I'd like, I don't think I've really worked as hard as I could (or maybe it's that I haven't been working as smart as I could?). Over the last few weeks I've been putting a lot of thought into what I'm working on currently and where it's going to take me and I realized I'm not satisfied with where my current progress leads. By all means, I'm proud of what I've accomplished but long term I don't think it really matches my long term goals. I could keep doing what I do and chances are I'd do very well for myself, but I don't know if I would truly be happy. Actually, I know I wouldn't.

At the end of the day I've sort of realized that I don't picture myself working for anyone else for much more than a few years; if that. I want to do my own thing. I want to build something that will last for generations. I know this is where my life will lead - don't ask me how because it's not a cockiness or swagger where I think I'm destined for greatness by luck of the draw; I know it will take very hard work. Rather, it's just something I feel. I don't know how to explain it, but it motivates me to find that X factor and every time I try something new I learn a bit more and move a step closer to eventually reaching that goal. So with that in mind I've started brainstorming and researching some different ideas.

I've begun working on a few different things (some by myself, some with family, some with friends) and I'm going to be dedicating a lot of time over the next four months to see where it could go. It feels like this could be something brilliant and is more in line with what I envision myself doing long term; so I like that. There's a lot that'll go into all of these ideas but I believe it will be worth it. More than that, I know it's what's necessary to attain my goals. It's not going to happen on accident. I have to go out there and develop the knowledge and abilities to do it more so than I have been recently. Then I'll be more likely to be in positions and situations that allow those positive things to happen.

I don't know if any of that makes sense; but I'm excited about it. I have a lot to look into, a lot to research and even more to organize, but there's a sense of urgency/excitement behind this that has re-energized me and I like that. Actually - I needed that.

I'll update on this more as things develop. For now, it's time to call it a night -- tomorrow brings another busy day.

:: Last Days of Summer ::

2008-09-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Music: Mew - King Christian
Mood: Sleepy

I love that fall is here. I'm not going to say I enjoyed the rain this morning - although it was fun to watch from our bedroom/kitchen - but I love the feeling of fall. It's always been something I've had this weird connection with. The feeling of the air, the look of the world; all of it is so hard to describe but so tangible to me. There's just a different feeling to everything once fall shows up and it's something I look forward to all year.

However; before fall showed up we enjoyed one last bit of summer and went camping on Friday night with some friends. I'm sad to say it, but it's been years since I've slept in a tent. It's something I use to do with my family all the time when I was younger but for whatever reason something I just stopped doing. Abbie and I asked for a tent and sleeping bags for our wedding so we finally used them ten months later... good stuff.

The spot we went was somewhat local - about 15-20 minutes past squaw peak further up and in the mountain. It wasn't this remote spot you had to hike into, but it still had that feeling which I loved. The best part was how it just overlooked the entire valley. We stayed up late into the night around the fire and talked and just enjoyed the evening. I wish we wouldn't have waited till summer was practically over to go. Maybe if we have another good weekend we can go again. Any way, I wanted to post a few pictures before I called it a night.

Be back with more ramblings another night.

:: Kyros ::

2008-08-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

Music: Kyros - Jaded EP
Mood: Proud

Yesterday when I was at the gym I was listening to the very first album my band ever recorded. It was weird, I don't listen to it a lot any more but every now and then I'll put it on and the floodgates burst open.

It's really crazy to for me to think about what we accomplished and did at such a young age. I don't say that to brag, but I guess in the moment I didn't see the significance of it. Our first album was recorded around my 16th birthday. By that time I had been playing and writing music with those guys for almost three years. Before I turned 18 we had gone out on tour with Trapt, 311, Hoobastank and One Side Zero and before I graduated we secured a small record deal, a management deal and attention from some major labels.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I not decided to walk away from all of it. When I quit were were almost done recording what I believed was our best album yet. Sony was seriously interested and I truly believe before the end of 2003 we would have had a major label sign us. All the songs were so different than our previous stuff and we had grown so much as musicians. Even now when I listen to it - even with out vocals or a proper mix - I'm still astonished by the quality and movements of some of the songs. There's one song imparticular (Avarice) that still gives me chills every time I hear it. But ultimately that's not how everything played out. I left and then everything changed.

Derek and Aaron are still out in California doing amazing things with music; as I always knew they would. My brother has refocused his incredible attention to detail on academics and is on his way to being President someday (I'm serious). As for me - well I'm still finding my road but I like where I'm at. I have now all the things that I knew I wouldn't had I stayed in music; a wonderful wife, a stable home life, a house and time for my friends and family. It's an odd switch off. It's definitely not something I regret, but something I do miss... I miss it emensly.

No matter how much I try to justify that playing music is playing music there's a major difference to playing guitar in my office by myself or for Abbie and opening up for 311 in front of thousands of people. That feeling is something I can't explain and in a lot of ways I really miss it. I imagine it's like a drug addiction - even though it may have been years since you last got that high when your mind travels back to those moments your body remembers what it was like and craves that feeling.

All in all though I'm really proud of what we accomplished and the music we wrote and shared with others. I imagine it's something I'll always miss but really, if I was given the chance to go back I wouldn't change anything - including the end result of the band breaking up and not playing music liek that any more. It's a part of my life that meant so much to me and truly helped shape who I am now but I know things would be completely different had Kyros really "made it."

I guess I'll learn to love the saying, "Hey kids, did you know back in the day your dad was in a sweet rock band?"

Music is here.

:: A Little Perspective ::

2008-08-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Music: Venus Hum - The Bells
Mood: Thoughtful

So it seems my predictions were right; it's much harder for me to find time to write in here once Abbie is home. That's not necessarily a bad thing it just turns out that after a long day of work, the gym and everything else I don't make it to my office chair to throw down a few thoughts. I'll have to work on that.

Speaking of the gym - I had a really enlightening [thought provoking? awakening? Come to Jesus reality check?] experience this week while at the gym. It's funny to see how hard I am on myself when it comes to my fitness. Three years ago I was pretty chubby (about 275lbs) and I suddenly decided to change that and I have never looked back. Now what drives me is a 50/50 mix of fear of getting fat and out of shape again blended with determination to continue making and reaching new goals that motivates me to kill myself at the gym 3-4 times a week.

I don't mind this. Not at all. It's quite the opposite actually; I've done that for the last 3 years and can't imagine anything differently. Some would say it's become a habit or just a part of my routine, some might argue it's a manifestation of that fear. Either way, I do it and I truly enjoy it. None of this is what was so enlightening though, so I'll get to the point already...

I give myself this hard time about how I look or how hard I work while at the gym to push myself. There are plenty of days were I feel weak and sometimes will just stop my workout or days were I have to just force myself to start because I don't want to be there. I always leave the gym upset at my performance after a session like that. But I don't think I ever stop to realize how lucky I am to even be in a position to physically be capable of going to the gym in the first place. There's a guy I see at the gym quite often. In fact, he's been there 3-4 times a week for probably as many years as I have. Pushing himself to work harder, to put up more weight - sometime just to make it through a work out. But the similarities end there.

This man has what I can only assume to be severe mental and physical disabilities. I highly doubt he can talk well, if at all. Beyond that, he can hardly walk on his own. When I see him, he is there being helped out by his mom who usually has figured out some type of creative jimmy-rig to keep him on a machine. Once he's on it though, everything he does is on his own. The weight is minimal and the range of motion is maybe 5% - but he's giving it his all.

Even though I've seen this guy probably hundreds of times and recognized how incredible it is that he is there working out I guess I've never stopped to put it into perspective what I can learn from him. It made me realize just how asinine I am at times. I think sometime it's easy for me to over look the big picture because I'm too focused on the fine details - trying to see the forest through the trees. By all means, it's understandable to want to push yourself at all you do but I suppose it just woke me up to recognize that sometimes the little victories -whether it has to do with the gym, relationships, work or life in general - are worth celebrating.

I'm not sure if that fully grasps what that single moment did for me, but it was a nice way for me to stop and put things in perspective - something I need to make sure I do often. I'm really grateful for that. It's funny - the people that usually make the most impacts on others are usually the ones that never even try to in the first place. They're just trying to do the best they can - even if that means struggling to walk on a treadmill in the middle of a crowded gym.

Odd how that works out.

:: Quick Update ::

2008-08-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

Music: Nothing.... just my keyboard.
Mood: Sleepy

I probably shouldn't be writing considering I'm at work but well, I've got a few minutes so I figured I'd take advantage before my day gets crazy.

Abbie got home on Saturday and needless to say that's been awesome. It was funny how nervous I felt on the way up to the airport; like I was driving to her apartment for our first big date. Luckily I wasn't the only nerd and butterflies found their way into her stomach too -- I guess we're just goofy.

So for her surprise I painted the downstairs of our house - kitchen, living room and formal room. She's wanted to paint since we moved in and I just haven't had a chance so I figured while she was gone would be perfect. I'd be bored and I could handle having the house a mess till it got done. I was so excited for her to see it - and for her to see there was a reason I didn't get much else done while she was gone. Luckily, it was a color she chose so she loves it and it makes the house feel really nice. Definitely glad we got that taken care of -- now the next project is the master bedroom/bathroom. guest room and two bathrooms; try to add some color to our previously all white house.

There's so much more I want to write about right now but I guess I'll have to wait for a better time. There's a lot on my mind and a few things I planned on writing about last night before I got caught up watching the Olympics.

So for now we'll say this is good but as always, I'm sure there's more to come later.

:: In This Moment It Feels So Right ::

2008-08-14T22:04:00.001-07:00

Music: Mew - King Christian
Mood: Nostalgic

I stayed home from work most of yesterday and half of today. I'm not really sick but at the same time I haven't been feeling 100%. I'm probably just missing my better half - that's bound to be it She gets home Saturday night so that's a plus. Note to self: 10 days with out your best friend is way overrated.

I have a major surprise for her when she gets home; I was almost stupid enough to write about it but realized she probably looks at this thing so that would be a bad idea. I'm excited to see her response. I finished everything tonight so now it's a waiting game. I'll update on all of it after Saturday.

So yesterday while I was home I sat in my bed and read through almost all of my old livejournal blogs from about February 2004 to May 2005. That was A LOT of reading. It was a lot of fun to look through it though and see what I was writing about, where I was at in my life and all that stuff. It's funny; I feel like I've grown so much over the last 3-4 years but in some ways I'm still basic old nico.

Some of that is good, some of that isn't as good but not necessarily bad. I guess just overall it was interesting to read it and reflect on how things have changed. It made me realize there were a lot of things that I started and never finished (vocal lessons, playing a solo show, etc) and some things that have completely changed - turns out at one point I thought I'd finish my associates in 2 years and transfer to the Y... boy was I off.

The biggest thing that stuck out to me was all the posts about girls or relationships. If those of you who know me haven't realized by now, I'm some what of a hopeless romantic and always have been. There were some posts that were a lot of fun to go back over and brought back a lot of great memories. Then there were others that were almost embarrassing to read because I came off borderline pathetic. But either way, it was good.

All in all it made me realize how lucky I am; how great of a relationship I have with my amazing wife and how she truly is the perfect girl for me. Don't get me wrong, it's not to shed negative light on any past relationships - I like that I'm actually friends with a few girls I dated and keep up to date on their lives/marriages/relationships, etc. Really it just made me grateful for the type of relationship I have with Abbie. Looking back at all my posts and thoughts I've realized even more so how different it is with her. How much she understands me and how comfortable I am just being me with her. It's hard to explain, but it stuck out to me so much. By all means, it's fun to walk down memory lane, but at the end of the day, there's no better place than right now and I'm glad all those roads led to this place. To this sweet, caring and loving woman that I am blessed enough to call my wife. Seems more than I deserve in so many ways. Guess I'm a lucky guy.

Any way, it's getting late and I could use some sleep. That's it for now.

:: It's.... Mesquite ::

2008-08-10T21:30:00.000-07:00

Music: Glassjaw - Piano
Mood: Amused

So here in Utah there are always those commercials for Mesquite and it looks so... well I'm not sure what it looks like, but I'd say it at least passes for decent and appealing. The commercials always show Randy (the fool who started Mesquite? Owns the Hotels/Casinos?) smiling, laughing and just handing out $100 bills to people. They always end the commercials with him telling people, "It's not crazy, It's Mesquite."

Well that's a crock.

Randy was no where to be found. No free money fell into my hands. There was no glamor, nothing fancy about it - in fact, it wasn't even mediocre. I'd give it a 1 out 10. The Slogan is true; it is Mesquite but it's a much more depressing realization.

"Hey Nico, why did I lose so much money so quickly tonight? Why is there NOTHING in this town? And why isn't a single place showing the UFC fight tonight?"

It's Mesquite, that's why... it's motherless, relentless and miserable Mesquite. That's why!

Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but that Randy was full of it. It served it's purpose. We - the guys - wanted to get away for the weekend and just relax. Play some golf, watch the UFC fight, possibly win a few dollars playing roulette or craps and sit by the pool. For the most part, that was accomplished. However, I will never go back. For about an extra hour on the road and a few dollars out of my wallet I'd rather be in Vegas. At least there the shiny lights and overbearing colors distract you from what an awful place the town really is. In Mesquite it's just so obvious.

Alright, enough complaining. Golf was a blast and the trip really was a lot of fun. A road trip with the guys is always a good time; even if you end up good-for-nothing Mesquite.

6 more days. I wish she'd come home already.... I miss my wife.

:: Here We Go ::

2008-08-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

Music: The Early November - Sunday Drive
Mood: Tired

Look at me - two posts in one day. I really am taking to this blog thing. Ok, so maybe that's not the full picture. Abbie went to Philly yesterday to visit her family and old friends so the house is pretty empty and quiet so there's more time to write. Chances are I'll write a lot over the next 10 days...

I sat in my office in our house tonight and played guitar for what seemed like hours -- something I haven't done in a long time. In fact, the song I'm listening to right now is one that I use to play all the time. I remember sitting in my room at my old apartment and playing this song and singing at the top of my lungs. I could play for hours back then. At the time, it was such a powerful way for me to vent. Maybe I've grown up, maybe I've found new ways to express myself, but either way, I miss doing that. I miss playing till my fingers were raw and my voice was raspy.

I was talking to one of my friends yesterday and I was saying how I don't want to end up like Jason Bateman's character from Juno; the "hip" dad that use to be in a band. I hope no matter what I always keep that creative part of me active and going. How sad would it be to be "given" a room just for your "stuff". I guess that was part of the inspiration for this blog. There's way too much on my mind all the time to not start writing again - whether it be blogs or songs. If you're born a creative person; whether it's painting, writing, playing music or whatever, it's something you can't just stop doing. Actually, I take that back - you can stop. I just think you become boring and what fun is that.

I think that's one of the things I'm going to do with this blog -- use it to just free write about music and other things. I realized the other day that all the songs on my ipod have very unique emotions and memories they bring to surface. I think it would be great to put itunes on random and just write about whatever comes to mind with any given song... what it reminds me about, what my life was like when I first heard or fell in love with that song, why it meant so much to me. It's nice to go back in time like that sometimes, and in my mind, nothing has that ability like music. When I hear a song I use to love for the first time in ages it brings back so many sense. The sights, the sounds, the smells -- even the feel of the air. It's a lot to just keep to yourself and just be content with saying, well that was nice.

Any way, that'll be it for now. I'm tired and have work in the morning and then I'm taking off mid-day for Mesquite for the weekend. A few of the guys and I decided it'd be a good weekend for a guys trip to go relax, play golf and maybe win some money playing roulette; who knows.

As always, if I die; avenge my death.

:: It's About Time ::

2008-08-07T12:30:00.001-07:00

Music: Further Seems Forever - New Years Project
Mood: Excited

I've been telling myself for months that I was going to start a blog; but for whatever reason - and most were lame and ridiculous -I just never did... I figured it was time to stop putting it off.

I really miss writing. I miss sitting at my desk listening to music and just putting thoughts down on paper - or in this case a keyboard.

This is going to be a random blog. I'm sure I'll cover just about everything from updates on how the family is doing - Abbie and Duke are both great - to what's on my mind lately and anything in between.

But for now - well at least its up. I'll format it and customize it and all that jazz later when I have time to mess around with it. I'm excited though - writing use to be such a big part of my life; even if no one was reading.

Welcome back.